Recent Blog Posts

More Women in the Boardroom Can Mean a Bigger Bottom Line

April Jones Law — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 20:00:00 GMT

It makes business sense to have more women in the boardroom as they have a positive impact on the bottom line, said women executives at a seminar in Singapore organized to mark International Women's Day.

More Women, More ProfitabilityA 2011 survey by U.S.-based non-profit organization Catalyst shows that company boards made up of 19-44 percent women achieved 26 percent more return on invested capital than those firms with no women directors, according to McKinsey's Head of Public Affairs, Southeast Asia, Penny Burtt.

She was speaking at the Singapore Management University and Procter & Gamble organized conference.

Burtt says a separate McKinsey research also shows that gender diversity impacts businesses positively.
"Companies with more women at the top tend to have more leadership capabilities, better decision making and better corporate governance," Burtt said.

Despite the advantage of hiring women, they still lag men when it comes to top managerial positions. For example, in the United States, according to McKinsey data, only 2-3 percent of current Fortune 500 companies are run by women.

"When you look at the representation of women in corporations, we're still absolutely not there yet," Burtt said.

The European Commission announced earlier this week that it was seeking to impose a quota for women in top managerial jobs, a year after companies were called upon to voluntarily increase the number of women on boards to 30 percent by 2015 and to 40 percent by 2020.

Currently only 13.7 percent of board members in Europe's large listed firms are women, according to a Reuters report.

P&G's Joanne Crewes, who heads the company's premium brands division called Global Prestige, says while there is a need for more women at the top, she does not advocate quotas that the European Union is pushing for.

"Personally, I would not like to be sitting at the table, just because I am a woman," Crewes said.
But she points out that diversity has been a key focus for her company. Globally, one-third of senior management at P&G are women, also 5 out of 11 members on the P&G Board are women, according to company data.

"You can't afford not to be diverse. You can't afford not to represent the consumers or the markets that you are going after," Crewes said.

Fathers Rights and Child Support

April Jones Law — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 21:00:00 GMT

Fathers Rights
When two people divorce and there are children involved, two things generally happen. Either one of the parents will gain custody of the children and the other will pay child support, in most cases.

Depending on the circumstances, the courts generally (not all the time) favor the mother and grant her custody, leaving the father to pay child support if ordered by the courts. There should be such a thing as fathers rights that will ensure and encouragevisitations for those fathers who pay child support. Also, there should be an easier way to allow for modifications in child support payments, based on the most current income and not what was made 5 years ago.

Fathers Rights and Child SupportWhen child support is awarded to the custodial parent (in this case the mother) for the support and care of her child/children, the father has every right to visitations. There have been many stories where the father pays his child support and the mother refuses to allow him to see their children. Some of these fathers try to contact the Attorney General’s office but was unable to receive any help because they do not deal with visitation enforcement. When dads pay child support and not allowed visitation, their fathers rights have been stripped away from them. Below you will find such dads whom have had their fathers right taken away from them because the mother would not allow them to see their children.

ModificationsWhen a father is ordered to pay child support the payments are based on how many children he has and how much he makes. Some fathers pay $200 to $300 a month on child support payments and other fathers pay well over $1000 a month. Those fathers who make a substantial amount of money can one day become jobless or reduce to making peanuts, sort of speak. When that happens most fathers continue to pay child support based on what was made from their previous jobs leaving them to struggle in life. Modifications in some states are done every 2 to 3 years or at the request of the custodial parent. When a father loses his job or making less than before, the state should not give the father a hard time when requesting modifications to lower their child support payments. However, on the flip side, if a father is actually making more, they should also pay more in child support payments. Below you will see links to stories of fathers who are paying child support based on the income that they use to make.

Fathers Rights VS. Dead Beat Dads
There are good fathers out there that have gone through a Divorce who are willing to pay their child support payments on time and are being victimize by mothers who deny them their visitations. Good fathers who understand and take responsibilities for their obligations should be reward, not punished. The system generally (once again, in most cases) favor the mother and treat the father like a dead beat dad. Now, there are those fathers that are labeled as Dead Beat Dads whom will not work for the sole purpose of avoiding child support payments. Some will work under the table, get a job and keep it for about 6 months then quit before the Attorney General’s Office finds the locations of their employment. These fathers should be punished because they make all fathers look bad , and in the long run, will lower the rights to visitations, modifications, and the right to be called a good father.

There is a large number of child support questions that need to be answered.

Questions Like:

How can I set up child support if I live in a different state?

Am I still responsible for child support if the child attends college and has a job?

How long do I have to live in a state before I can file for custody?

Am I still responsible for child support once I find out the child is not mine?

If you have any questions on fathers rights or any thing related, please contact Jones Law Firm, P.C.

Should You Stay in a Marriage for the Sake of the Children?

April Jones Law — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 16:35:00 GMT

Your marriage has been in trouble for quite a long time and you’ve been considering divorce for many months. But because you have children you’ve postponed your decision and are not sure what to do. Should you stay in a marriage for the sake of the children?

Leaving a Marriage When Children Are Involved

This dilemma has created more turmoil than almost any other situation in life. The reason? Because for the most part we all want to be happy, while at the same time we know that our responsibility is to our children. We want them to be happy and secure, but we also know that life is short. So, we question whether it is okay to leave a marriage when children are involved. How do we cast aside our guilty feelings and do what will make us happy? Or does being married when children are involved mean we must sacrifice our own lives and our own happiness?

Maintaining a Relationship for the Sake of the Children

Over the years, I’ve begun to view this dilemma differently. I’ve witnessed many divorces and seen a number of people struggle with what divorce does to a family. I’ve seen so many people think that they are making the children feel safe and secure by providing them with a two-parent family. At one time I might have agreed, but I’ve changed my mind. Children do not find security in a home where each just goes through the motions. In fact, children are far more sensitive than we realize and even if we think we are hiding our feelings well, they can sense that something is wrong. What are we teaching our children when we stay together just for them?

If You Really Know Your Marriage Is Over

We all know that people in relationships go through periods of unhappiness and can experience a great deal of stress. If you’re experiencing some stress, it doesn’t mean that you have to run right out and get a divorce. But if your period of stress has been ongoing for a few years, and it doesn’t appear as if anything will resolve the conflict, or your unhappiness, it may be time to consider taking care of yourself. If you have explored counseling and have done what you believe can improve the relationship and it’s still not working, perhaps you and your spouse are not compatible. Ask yourself what is at the foundation of your marriage? Do you enjoy each other’s company? Do you have the capacity to build on friendship and love? Do you see yourselves growing old together? Or are you simply living with the person because it’s easier? Do you realize that when you don’t let the marriage end, you deprive the other party from finding the happiness they rightfully deserve?

Do We Wait Until the Children Leave Home?

Maintaining a relationship for the sake of the children can ultimately be a big mistake. In our indecision, we think that we should wait until they are grown and then maybe we can leave more comfortably. Let me assure you, it will not be any easier when they are a little older. In fact, it gets harder. One day when the children are gone and Mom and Dad are left in a life that is no longer satisfying, the decision to leave can be even more difficult. Now the guilt of leaving a partner after so many years becomes harder, especially if you’ve spent years together.

It is Never Easy to Leave

Yes, it’s true that leaving is painful and difficult on everyone. And yes, it’s true that children who grow up in a loving home raised by two people are usually more secure, have better social lives, make better grades, etc. But what could be worse for children then to live in a home where they don’t know what real love can be? You may think you’re doing them a favor, but they unconsciously pick up the clues when one or both of the parents are unhappy. It has been proven that children raised in a stable divorced or stable single parent home are less stressed than those who live in a marriage that is uncertain or conflicted. Granted, it isn’t easy to end the marriage, but when two intelligent people communicate honestly and assist the children with the transition, the difficult part can pass quickly.

Making the Decision Based on What You Believe is Best for the Children

I’m not sure how or why people decided that a family that stays together is better than a broken marriage, but times have changed and people should not have to sacrifice their own lives because they have children. You are in fact, not doing a child any favors when you are in any conflict over your marriage. Not only can you make yourself ill because you are unhappy, but also as I said earlier, children sense it without you saying a word and that makes them feel even more insecure. Now, I’m not implying that making the decision is an easy one. What I am saying is that when two intelligent people work to find a solution, they can make life okay for everyone.

Getting A Divorce is a Personal Decision

Sadly, many couples start out thinking they are in love, but end up feeling disheartened. Consequently, when you stay in a marriage that is no longer filling your most basic needs, children are the ones that suffer most. No one can really tell you what the right answer is to your situation. No family member or friend can advise you as to the best way to go. The decision has to be yours and I realize that this kind of decision takes courage. But whatever decision you make, the most important part of getting a divorce when children are involved is making sure that you develop a cordial relationship with each other by putting the children’s best interests first. And that can be achieved even when you don’t all live under the same roof.

5 Easy Ways to Stay Happier

April Jones Law — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 16:00:00 GMT

A mental-health expert on how to keep anger, anxiety, and depression at bay through everyday habits.

Good Sleep

Research shows that people who go without enough good sleep (generally considered at least six hours a night) are up to six times as likely to become depressed as those who get good sleep.

Good Sex

Levels of the "happy neurochemicals" serotonin and endorphin have been found to rise in postorgasmic rats. At the same time, there's a surge in oxytocin - which is believed to reduce stress levels - as well as an uptick in prolactin, thought to be associated with the sleepy feeling after sex. These findings suggest that having sex (or taking matters into your own hands) brings some temporary relief for stress or anxiety.

Good Exercise

Particularly aerobic exercise. The best evidence to date - based on the analysis of fourteen random controlled trials - indicates that to prevent, and even effectively treat, depression with exercise requires three thirty-minute sessions per week of aerobic exercise at 60 to 80 percent of maximum heart rate (i.e., typically between 110 and 160 beats per minute) for at least eight weeks.

Good Food

Up your intake of omega-3 fatty acids and vitamin B12, both of which show promise in contributing to mental well-being. Tuna, mackerel, and salmon are good sources for omega-3 fatty acids, as are dark green vegetables, flaxseed, nuts, and soybeans. For sources of B12, look to seafood and low-fat dairy products. Carbs have also been found to raise the level of serotonin in your brain, but it's best to stick with low-fat, whole-grain sources.

Alcohol

Take it easy and limit it to the standard two drinks a day.

Tips for Conducting Successful Coparenting Meetings

April Jones Law — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 21:00:00 GMT

Successful coparenting requires good communication, and research shows that children whoseparents make an effort to communicate effectively with one another fair better in the months and years following a divorce. One small thing that you can do to improve positive communication between you and your ex is to meet regularly to talk about raising your children. Here are some tips to help structure each meeting:

1. Set a Business-Like Tone During Your Coparenting Meeetings

Moving forward, try to look at your relationship with your ex as a business partnership. In many ways, it is. You share the common goal of raising your children. You may not like each other, and communicating together will certainly be challenging, but the success of your "business" - your children's healthy adjustment - depends on it.

2. Meet Weekly

Be committed to meeting on a consistent basis, such as weekly. This will convey the message to your children that - when it comes to raising them - you are indeed a united front. Yes, this will be extremely difficult in the early stages of your divorce or separation. However, keep your focus centered on your common goals - the children - and the meetings will get easier with time.

3. Communicate Through the Phone and E-mail

You do not have to meet in person! In many cases, talking on the phone or using email is preferable. That's okay as long as you are committed to communicating with one another using whatever medium is most productive for the two of you.

4. Use an Agenda During Your Coparenting Meeting

There are certain topics - such as schedules, school progress, and behavioral concerns - that you're going to want to cover each week in your meetings. You can simplify your discussions by using a printed agenda. Create a standard form to include all the topics you wish to discuss regularly, and complete it prior to your meeting. When both parents make this effort prior to each meeting, the sessions will become much more productive. This will also help each of you focus your energy on what really matters.

More: Print a sample agenda to use at your next coparenting meeting.

5. Stay Focused on the Kids During Your Coparenting Meeting

The purpose of your coparenting meetings is to work together in raising your children, which is not going to happen unless you make the effort to communicate effectively with one another. Therefore, each of you must make a conscious decision to stay focused on the kids during these meetings. It's not the time for personal discussions or rehashing conflicts in your relationship. If you need to schedule time for those kinds of discussions, do it separate from your regular coparenting meeting. Also, try to set a time limit for your meetings, such as 30 minutes.

Can Married Couples Spend Too Much Time Together?

April Jones Law — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 21:00:00 GMT

Question: Can Married Couples Spend Too Much Time Together?

Answer:

My ex had no outside interest. His life revolved around family and work. If he wasn’t at work, every time I turned around I bumped into him. I encouraged him to take up golf, go our for drinks with his buddies…anything that would give him to opportunity to get away from work and family stress. We spent too much time together which in the end played a role in the demise of our marriage.

There was no sense of space or privacy in my marriage. No balance between work, family and fun. It was as if we gave up being individuals and became one and I’m not someone who believes that marriage means sacrificing yourself.

I believe that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. My ex would have been much more attractive to me if he had, had interests outside work and family. As it was I felt smothered and that I had married a dependent instead of an independent man.

It is scientifically proven that we have more interest in our spouse if we spend time apart. Birth rates increase after war veterans return home. Primates celebrate the return of the hunter to the group after a long absence.

I’m not suggesting you send your spouse off to war but shopping with girlfriends or golfing with the guys makes coming together at the end of the day much more interesting than if you have spent the entire day together.

Spending time apart promotes an appreciation of your marriage and each other. It means not losing yourself, your hobbies and your friends and that, in turn, leads to happier people who come together and form happy marriages.

Mediation Promotes Conflict Resolution - Mediation in Special Education

April Jones Law — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 19:00:00 GMT

Mediation as a Resolution Process - Choosing Mediation in Special Education:

Special Education Mediation - Whenparents and schools disagree on special education programs for students with learning disabilities and other disabilities, reaching a resolution can be difficult. In these situations, parents or school administrators may want to consider mediation when:

They want to avoid a more adversarial due process hearing.
They want an impartial and knowledgeable person to manage communication to ensure everyone is civil and is heard.
Negotiations in IEP team meetings have stalled.
They want to attempt to resolve the matter without attorney involvement or more adversarial resolution methods.

Mediation is a Voluntary Process - Parties Must Agree to Mediate:

Special Education Mediation - Mediation is a voluntary process. That is, parents and school administrators must voluntarily agree to participate in mediation.

Special Education Mediation - Requesting and Planning a Mediation Session:

Special Education Mediation - The parents or school district may request mediation by contacting their state department of education office of exceptional children. The state department will assist in scheduling a mediator or providing contact information for mediators to the parties. The mediator will work with both parties to arrange the date, time, and place for the meeting. In most cases, the parties will have the option of conducting the meeting at a school district office or in a neutral location such as a private meeting room in a local library, business, or government facility.

Special Education Mediation - When Mediation Begins:

Special Education Mediation - Most mediators conduct a meeting with both parties to explain the "ground rules" on how the mediation will proceed, the agenda for the meeting, and have each participant sign an agreement to mediate the issue. The mediator and/or a scribe will document the meeting process and ensure the points of negotiation are documented.

Parts of a Mediation Meeting - Identifying the Mediation Issues:

Special Education Mediation - The format for mediation may vary, depending on the situation and the training of the mediator. In most cases, mediation has three phases. The first phase involves defining the issues. It may seem simplistic, but determining exactly the points of disagreement is the first and most important part of the mediation process. Defining the issues in a clear, concise manner will help participants identify ways to resolve the issues.

Parts of a Mediation Meeting - Negotiating Resolutions to the Issues:

The second part of a mediation session is negotiating resolutions to the issues identified in the discussion. Typically, both parties have the opportunity to state their opinions on how the matters can be resolved. During this phase, The parties may meet individually with the mediator in a caucus. In these private meetings, the parties may research their options, learn more about their legal rights and obligations, and other matters related to the issues. The mediator will keep both sides' confidentiality and also identify common areas of agreement to help steer the parties toward resolution.

Parts of a Mediation Meeting - Writing the Mediation Agreement:

The final part of the mediation process is writing the agreement. The agreement will include the points of disagreement and the resolutions agreed upon by the parties. It will also include a timetable for implementation of the resolution. The parties will sign the agreement, and copies will be given to all parties. The mediation will be concluded, and the parties will be obligated to abide by the terms of the agreement.

Special Education Mediation - What Happens if Negotiations Fail:

Mediators are trained to help parties communicate and reach an agreement, even when negotiations become hostile. Even the most difficult conversations can be successful with a good mediator managing the process. However, in some cases, negotiations do fail. When this happens, the parties still have available to them other processes to resolve the matter. Either may file a request for a formal due process hearing, or the parents may file a formal complaint. Both of these means of resolution are typically managed by the state's department of education office of special education.

How to File for Child Custody Pro Se

April Jones Law — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 17:00:00 GMT

Filing for child custody pro se refers to filing the papers in court yourself, without legal representation. For single parents who wish to file for child custody, or legally amend their existing child custody arrangement, but can not afford a lawyer, filing for child custody pro se is a viable alternative to paying costly legal fees. In addition, even if you do end up using a lawyer, teaching yourself how to go through the process pro se can equip you to be your own best advocate.

Time Required: Filing for child custody pro se requires months of research and planning.

Here's How:

The very first thing you need to do is contact your local family court division and ask the clerk how you can obtain the papers you will need order to file for child custody pro se. In some states, these forms can be printed right from the Internet. In other states, you will need to go to the courthouse yourself to obtain the necessary paperwork.
Research child custody laws in your state. Make sure that you have a solid understanding of the details and legal fine print that could impact your case. This is tedious, time-consuming work, but your familiarity with the laws in your state will be indispensable to your ability to adequately represent yourself.
Consider all of the child custody options. Don't just automatically file for sole physical custody because you don't want to live apart from your kids, or you find your ex to be difficult to work with. Give consideration to every option that is available to you, and honestly examine what would be best for your children.
Maintain clear, detailed child custody documentation. Keep a record of each and every visit, phone call, email, and contact between yourself and your ex, and your children and your ex. As best as you can, stick to the facts and refrain from using accusatory language.
Pay close attention to all of the deadlines and dates pertaining to your case. Many of the papers you will need to file will require follow up action within a give time period, such as 30 days. Do not miss a single deadline. In addition, keep all of your papers and materials organized. This will help you stay on top of the details of your case.
Before you go to court, consider whether you feel 100% confident in representing yourself. If you do not, consider contacting Legal Aid to find out whether there are any nearby legal clinics where a paralegal or law student could review your case thus far and give you further direction before going to court.
In court, make sure that you are respectful and polite at all times. Do not allow the judge to see your disdain or frustration with the other parent. Instead, focus on being pleasant and attentive, and stick to the facts of your case.
Finally, do not give up. You're probably going to face some setbacks along the way while you attempt to file your child custody case pro se, but you must remember that what you are doing is 100% for your kids. This is about them.

What You Need

Court papers

Internet access

Determination

Attention to detail

Confidence in yourself

Strong convictions about your case

An upbeat attitude

A polite manner in court

Parenting Guru: Messy Kids are Happy Kids

April Jones Law — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 22:00:00 GMT

Kids make messes. Why? Because it’s fun. The clean-up isn’t so great at times. But making a good mess can be quite entertaining. My kids seem to have mastered the art of mess-making from an early age.

The most messy time of all had to be when one of my kids was two years old and the other was just six months. This incident reminded me why Vaseline should be in high places when you have kids. It’s also why the bathroom should be left slightly ajar if you’re a mom or dad with little ones at home.

I went to the ladies room for maybe two minutes. The six month old was secure in her infant seat with some toys and the two year old was busy playing with her toys on a blanket. Keeping kids busy usually prevents mischief. But not this time.

I came out of the restroom to discover two kids with Vaseline from head to toe - in the hair, all over the clothes, and yes, in between the toes. The two year old decided putting Vaseline all over them both was a fun game. Back in the bathroom I went - but not for me. It took a good amount of time to get the Vaseline out of their hair. I never did get all the grease spots out of the clothes.

This was a major mess for me to clean up. But both girls were giggling and having a blast. Case in point: “messy kids are happy kids.” Another of my kids once used a mess to inspire me. Imagine that. I’m not saying we should all let our kids get into the Vaseline or fall into a mud pile. But when those unavoidable messes do happen - and they will - a little laughter can help you get it all cleaned up.

10 Ways to Carve Out "Me Time"

April Jones Law — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 18:00:00 GMT

Single parenting is exhausting because your children depend on you for everything. You're responsible for all aspects of your family's well-being, from managing the finances to keeping track of homework assignments, meals, and extra-curricular activities. The only way you can sustain the energy needed to do this job well is to create some pockets of "Me Time" where you can get in touch with who you are as an individual and replenish your energy levels. Here are ten tips for carving out that precious "Me Time" on a regular basis:

1. Get Up Earlier

You've probably heard this suggestion before. This time, I want you to do something different: Try it! Until you've applied this strategy for at least seven days in a row, you're not going to realize how powerful it is. Start by setting your alarm for fifteen minutes before you really need to get up. Then use that time to listen to the quiet, write in a journal, or engage in another activity that restores your soul. Do not, however, use this time to get a head start on chores. Use this time for you.

2. Make Your Bedtime Routine Consistent

It's hard to plan for some alone time in the evening when your kids go to bed at a different time every night. Instead, implement a consistent bedtime routine so that your kids can anticipate rest and learn to fall asleep on their own. If you have early risers, you may also want to put an alarm clock in each bedroom and teach your kids to play quietly until at least 7:00 a.m.

More: Establishing a Bedtime Routine That Works

3. Give Yourself at Least One Night Off Per Week

Part of what you need in your life is some time in your head - time to think , to plan, to dream. This is one of the most rejuvenating gifts you can give yourself! So at least once a week, give yourself a night off. After the kids have gone to bed, resist the urge to do the things you would normally do, like chores or watching TV. Instead, spend some time pursuing a hobby you love, reading a book, or reconnecting with a friend. Everything else can wait.

4. Use Your Shower Time

Those few minutes you spend in the shower each day are probably the most regular "alone time" you get. Plan to use it well! Purchase some energizing aroma therapy products that you love, and make the most of the few minutes you have to yourself. While you're there, take some deep breaths and let the water wash away some of that tension you're carrying.

5. Take a Walk on Your Lunch Hour

Let's be honest. You don't need to hear another story about your co-workers's cat; so at least once a week, break away from the employee break room and go for a short walk on your lunch hour. This doesn't mean skipping lunch altogether, of course. You need those calories to sustain you through the afternoon. Eating a light meal and going out for a brisk walk is a great way to clear your head and exercise your body.

6. Introduce Quiet Time

If your children are too old for naps, but still young enough to require constant attention, introduce "Quiet Time." This is when your kids read or play quietly in their rooms for one hour in the afternoon. You can then use that time to relax, read a magazine, or do something special for yourself. If you need to, create a behavior chart where your kids can keep track of their quiet time hours. Celebrate their cooperation with a trip to the library, a local park, or the children's museum after several argument-free siesta periods.

7. Make a Date With Yourself

Why don't you have time for yourself? Go take a look at your calendar. Everything you do gets listed there, from dentist appointments to karate tournaments. Most likely, the privilege of regular, sustainable "Me Time" won't become a reality until you actually schedule it on your calendar. So grab a pen right now and mark at least one "Me Time" date for this month, even if it means hiring a babysitter.

8. Maximize Your Commute

Most of us spend a considerable amount of time in our cars. Instead of turning on the radio or making another phone call, turn everything off and enjoy a brief period of quiet. This simple habit can help you respond effectively to the challenges you face as a single parent, rather than reacting from your emotions or exhaustion.

9. Use "The Box" Technique

"The Box" is a collection of items that your children love to play with, such as Play-doh, special markers, and activity books. You can even save happy meal prizes to include in the "The Box." Then, when you need a few minutes of quiet, invite your children to play with "The Box" for fifteen minutes. As you begin to employ this strategy regularly, rotate the items inside so your kids don't become bored with what they find. It's amazing how much fun they can have with simple toys that you make available for limited amounts of time.

10. Do Not Use Your Kids' TV Time to Do Chores

When you use your kids's TV time to do chores, two things begin to happen: 1) Your kids don't participate in the chores, and 2) They end up watching a lot more TV. Instead, do the chores together as a family. This way, you can use your children's TV time to sit and relax, collect your thoughts, listen to some music, or write in a journal.

Making the Most of Visitation

April Jones Law — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 17:00:00 GMT

Many divorced fathers are faced with the reality of visitation- an often negotiated, mediated and all too brief time they are able to spend with their children. In many cases, visitation is very limited, compared to the relationship dads used to be able to enjoy, so it's absolutely crucial that dads make this visitation time the best possible experience for their children and themselves. Here are a few ideas for making the most of your visitation:

Give it time

There's an old saying that time can heal all wounds. But time is only half of the equation. Healing old wounds also takes a commitment to getting better. Soccer players who've torn a ligament just don't give up. They gradually work themselves back into top playing form, even if their leg will remain tender and sore for years. Manyfathers who have gone through a bitter divorce may find that it feels like they've got a torn ligament between themselves and their kids. Calling upon the fathering part of yourself may be painful and feel awkward at first, but with time, patience and practice, it does get better.

No "Mr. Mom"

You're first visitation may be the first time you've ever been alone and bearing full responsibility for taking care of your kids all by yourself for an extended period of time. Or, you may be an old pro at taking care of your kids by yourself. In either case, never try to be a mom. You'll only set yourself up for failure because men are not moms, men are dads. First, your children expect you to be fatherly. Do the things you always did. If you were a husband who cooked, continue to cook. If you didn't cook, don't try to "show-off" for your kids by attempting to whip-up some gourmet meal. Rather, be honest with your kids, and invite them to learn with you, on whatever you're attempting. Let them into your life. Invite them to sit next to you and read with or to them that article on bass fishing. Look for ways you can include them in your life and ways you can continue to be involved in theirs. Second, you just won't feel quite right. Trying to be something (a mom) that you're not is like trying to wear your shoes on the wrong feet. You may be able to do it for a little while, but it is awkward.

Avoid conflict

Research tell us that if you can reduce conflict, you're transitions should be smoother. But if your marriage ended with an unresolved war, you will most likely need to work harder to make the transition for you and your kids smoother. Men who have most successfully negotiated a bitter divorce or custody battle remember that any unresolved conflict they feel about their former family life rests with their ex-wife, not their kids. And they never openly battled or degraded their former wife in front of their children. Remember that she's still their mom, even though she's no longer your wife. Being aware that you still harbor negative emotions toward your former spouse can help you avoid directing them toward your children when it's "your weekend." Awareness can also help you put your hurt and anger behind you. Mentally practice and prepare for visitation. Make a game plan for how you will handle picking up and sending off your child(ren). Be sure you know where and at what time you're to be there; it'll be easier for you and your kids.

Avoid over-scheduling

Visitation may seem very daunting. "How am I going to keep them entertained?" many fathers wonder. Stop and ask yourself if you worried about this when you were married? Probably not. Why? Because it was OK just to be in each other's presence. It was OK just to watch television together. It was OK not to have to talk. It's still the same. Even though you may have a hundred and one things you want to talk with your child about (or maybe not) doesn't mean they want to. They may need time to themselves for a while, just to be, rather than to be doing. Talk with your kids about the types of activities they would like to do. Ask them how they would like to spend their time with you. Be open and honest about your likes and dislikes. Over time, you'll establish a natural rhythm that will transform what seems to you as "fathering by appointment" into wonderful memories and strong bonds with your child(ren).

Be flexible

Even though the agreement mediated by the courts may give you visitation every-other weekend and every-other holiday, there's no reason you and your former spouse can't vary that arrangement by mutual agreement among all of you, kids included. There may be times when your kids are invited to a slumber party or they're going to a camp. Or, you can't get any other dates off work. Being ridged to spite your former spouse only hurts your kids.

Don't push

Accept the fact that your child(ren) are living in two separate households. Going from one home to the other causes children to feel the emotional equivalent to jet lag. Kids need time to get reacquainted not only with you, but with their surroundings. Avoid making it harder for them to adjust by imposing a radically different set of rules or value system, or by making them feel bad about the different system at their mother's. It's tough enough for kids to sort through and make personal sense of all the values and beliefs they are being taught. Your goal is to create as little confusion as possible. Be especially sensitive to entertainment, religion, holiday traditions, bedtime, curfew, and other behavioral rules. It's a delicate balance you're trying to achieve influencing rather than inflicting. You'll never go wrong if you're focused on the needs of your child.

Give them their space

Children feel more comfortable, at ease and connected when they know they have a place at each parent's home that is theirs. It can be a room, a chest, a dresser, a desk, a bookcase.... some place they can keep things that are theirs and know it will be waiting for them when they return. Put up posters that reflect some of your child's interests; furnish with mementos that have special meaning for both of you.

When they resist

There are many reasons why your child may resist visitation. They may not like the woman you're dating or are married to, or the new family you are living in. Some kids reach an age when friends, activities and other interests become important and they are no longer willing to devote as much time to you alone. You can't bribe, argue, or coerce your kids into spending time with you. You may have to wait until they can accept the changes in your life. Whatever their reasons, try to set aside your fears and insecurities. Be supportive, listening and accepting of their feelings. Make it clear that your door is always open, and there is always a place for your child in your heart and home. That's not to say it doesn't hurt when your child appears to be rejecting you, it does. But the hurt will pass and it doesn't mean you're losing your child. It's just part of the divorce you have to get through and move beyond. And you will. Remember that you're relationship with your child will last a lifetime. They will think differently next year and the years after. Your understanding now will pay off for both of you in the future.

You're still a dad

It's important for every divorced dad to remember that even though he is no longer a husband, he is still a father. Even though the warm, loving, intimate relationship with your former spouse is over, your children continue to need and crave a warm, loving, and involved dad in whom they can confide. Give yourself and your children the time, space, patience, unconditional love and acceptance you and they need.

Coping with a New Stepfather in Your Kids' Life

April Jones Law — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 16:00:00 GMT

While Steve was waiting for his kids at their mom's house for his weekend with them, his ex-wife came out and indicated that she was getting remarried. "You will really like Tim," she said, "and the kids seem to like him too. I think he will make a great stepfather for them."

Steve was not too sure he liked any part of the idea. It was weird enough to be thinking of his ex-wife married to another guy. But what troubled him even more was the idea that there would be a new father figure in the life of his kids. He didn't like the thought of having another man in competition with him for the affection of his children.

What Steve is feeling is completely natural. While we frequently hear in our society about how hard it is for a divorced woman to see her ex remarry, it can be equally challenging when the tables are reversed. It almost feels like this other guy, who has no connection with your kids other than being married to their mom, is barging in and disrupting the delicate balance that already exists in a separated family. The dad almost feels like he has to compete against the new stepfather, especially when the kids live with their mom and her new husband.

So, how does a dad deal with these feelings? How can he still stay the "father" to the kids when there is another man in their daily life?

First, it is important to recognize that it is best for the children to have a positive relationship with their stepfather in their new blended family. Regardless of how you feel, he has a major presence in their life. To try to create distance between the kids and the new stepdad is a sure recipe for failure. Having Mom remarry is a really hard reality for any child, and it would be doubly hard if you are working against it. So, talk to the kids about their new stepdad and help them adjust to the new reality. Putting their well-being ahead of your new competitive feelings is a good first step.

Sometimes dads who find themselves in this situation will try to compete with the new stepfather by being a "Disneyland Dad," and giving his kids everything they want and being really relaxed with rules and standards. It is natural to want the kids to have more fun with you than with him. But allowing the rules to go out the window and letting them get away with anything does not do the children a service. In fact, maintaining consistency in your relationships with the kids will actually be a positive when so much in changing in their world otherwise.

Don't put down the new stepfather unless the kids are in danger. Whether or not you like the new guy (and you most likely won't), it is important for the kids to see you and hear you respect him and their mother. Getting a message from you that he is someone that they shouldn't like or respect will be a problem for all of you. Say nice things about him and their mom whenever you can. That being said, if the guy is abusive verbally or physically or if he is regularly drunk or stoned, you have to protect your children and need to build up to a custody challenge. But without these risky behaviors, try to help them see their stepdad as a person worthy of their love and respect.

Try talking to other dads who have been there. I know we dads don't often share feelings with other men for fear of appearing to be weak. But having the chance to see how others have handled this transition, whether the experience was good or bad, will help you find your own best path. If you don't know any dads with this kind of experience, find a fathers support group near you.

Finally, make sure that you have a great life outside of your family as well. Get involved in activities outside of work; service clubs, PTA's and the like will give you some release. Stay healthy and physically active. A good life balance will help you in the long run to keep being a positive influence on your kids and will put many of these things into perspective.

Your children need their father to be a positive, fun and loving influence in their life. While they should also have a good relationship with a stepfather, the best thing you can do is to be their real dad, to live up to your obligations and to be a positive and upbeat part of their lives.

How to Know When You Are Ready for Fatherhood

April Jones Law — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 15:00:00 GMT

It is a running joke in ourfamily that I have never been ready to have a baby. My wife comments about how each time she came home with the news of a pregnancy, I literally turned green and became ill. Now with five children- two living at home, two married and one engaged, and with four grandchildren - I think I may have proven them all wrong. I was always ready for fatherhood; I just didn't know how I would manage it all.

I suspect many men feel the same way, especially when they contemplate the responsibility associated with being a dad. A father's principle role is provider, and that role can get a bit overwhelming when you think about diapers, medical bills, strollers and car seats, and school clothes, not to mention college, cars and wedding plans. And a dad, if he is worth the title, needs also be part nurturer, teacher and friend. It is a big job.

Candidly, if any man thinks about it too much, the doubts would cause him to walk away from the opportunity of fatherhood. After all, are we ever really ready to take on being a dad?

If you are wondering about whether you are ready for fatherhood, you should consider your answers to these key questions. If you can't feel pretty good about your answers, and you still want to be a dad, you need to initiate a change project in your life and get yourself to a higher maturity level.

Are you fully committed to your partner? While I know that not every marriage with children lasts all the way through to happily ever after, I also know that children not part of a family with a mom and a dad together suffer greatly. If you are going to bring a child into the world, you owe that child the benefits that a nuclear family can bring. So if you can't see yourself married forever to the woman who will bear that child, you should not be in a rush to become a dad. The risks are just too great.

Can you put someone else first in your life? Being a father means sacrificing your wants and desires for your partner and children. I'm not saying that you have to totally efface yourself and slip into the background. Quite the contrary, most successful dads work hard to find a balance between their needs and their family's needs. But you have to be prepared to sacrifice the sports car for the practical family car, and maybe not play golf or go fishing or play video games quite as much as you did before you had the baby. Being willing to make your own needs secondary to those of your family is a prerequisite for being a great dad.

Do you have a good support system? Fathers and families do better when there is a positive support system around them. Are your extended families supportive of your choice? How about your friends? Will your employer tolerate the focus you will of necessity have to give a family? Do you have a church or other social support outside of the family? Having people you can talk with, seek advice from, and generally feel to be helpful as you adjust to parenthood is an important part of taking the next step.

Do you have, or can you find, some good role models? Not all of us men were blessed to have amazing fathers of our own. There is a natural tendency to become the dad to your kids that your dad was to you. It is constantly amazing how over the years I have opened my mouth to say something to the kids and heard my own father's voice coming out. If your dad was not the role model you want to follow, do you have a good role model? Maybe an uncle, a friend, a mentor or other man might be a consideration as a role model for you. If you don't have one, find one and learn how he has been a successful dad before you make the plunge into fatherhood.

Have you thought about parenting? Becoming a good parent is a conscious choice. As mentioned earlier, we tend to revert to the parenting styles of our parents if we don't choose some other way. Make sure that you have thought long and deeply about what you want for your children, what you hope to teach them, and how you want to interact with them. Read parenting books, talk to other successful parents, and get into a social circle with other parents. Making conscious choices about your parenting approach and style is critical in determining if you are ready for fatherhood.

Do you show good judgment and maturity in other aspects of your life? Taking a hard look at yourself is a good part of the decision process. Do you make mature choices in your life? Do you budget and save part of your income, or do you spend everything you make? Do you accept the consequences of your decisions responsibly, or do you try to shift blame to everyone but yourself? Do you just live for the moment, or are you making choices now with the end of your life in mind? Successful parents have to be mature and focused on the long term in order to do what's right for the people who depend on them.

Can you accept that even the best parents weren't totally ready when their child was born? Finally, it is my experience that no man is every totally ready to be afather. If we are smart about it, we react responsibly when we learn that fatherhood is in our immediate future. The old adage that "if you wait to have a baby when you are ready, it will never happen" has some truth to it. Most babies are unplanned and men who become good dads step up to their responsibility and get themselves as ready as they can in the time they have.

Fatherhood has clearly been one of the greatest opportunities of my life. Even with green colors and nausea at the announcement, I have found great joy in being a part of my children's lives and trying to help them learn values and attitudes which will make them successful. If you are wondering if you are ready for fatherhood, think seriously about your attitudes and maturity, but be open to the possibilities. And you can be a great dad!

Preventing Parental Abduction During and After a Child Custody Battle

April Jones Law — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 03:54:00 GMT

Often, when there is a child custody order in place, or even when a custody hearing is pending, one parent may fear that the other parent will attempt to circumvent the court and remove the child without consent, or fail to return the child following a routine visit. The government responded to this threat of parental abduction by instituting the Uniform Child Abduction Prevention Act (UCAPA). Generally, concerns of parental abduction will be addressed in an initial custody determination. However, if concerns about parental abduction are not addressed, a parent may file a petition under UCAPA to address any concerns regarding potential future abduction. Some states have adopted UCAPA, while others have not. Parents should check the specific laws of their state.

Uniform Child Abduction Prevention Act Risk Factors

The UCAPA petition should include potential risk factors for parental abduction, such as:

A history of previous custody-related parental abductions

Threats of abductions

A history of family violence, child abuse, or neglect

UCAPA Petition to Prevent Parental Abduction

A petition should state the potential destination of the parent accused of a potential abduction. It is important to determine the intended destination because many countries have an agreement with the United States which would require the immediate return of the abducted child and would forbid a parent who abducted a child from living in another country.

Parental Abduction Prevention Order

A court has several options to prevent a child's abduction. An abduction prevention order might:

Prohibit the child's parent (respondent) from applying for a passport for the child

Limit visitation and custody of the child (Note: A court will prefer not to interfere with a custody arrangement that is already in place, but in its discretion, a court will intercede, if it must protect a child from harm.)

Require a respondent to take an education course on the potential harmful effects of abduction

After a custody determination, if a parent suspects a co-parent might consider abducting a child, he or she parent should seek immediate relief in court. However, a parent should be prepared with proof of an immediate, intended abduction, as a court will hear both sides of the story to determine whether a true, credible threat of parental abduction exists.

Dating for Divorced Dads

April Jones Law — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 02:12:00 GMT

Certainly, divorced dads know how tough it is to survive the divorce and its aftermath. Especially when you have been an innocent victim, or when you put a lot of effort into saving the marriage only to not succeed, there are some serious scars.

Many dads take a long time to recover before they are ready to date again; and some are ready within a few weeks or months. But when you are ready to start dating and developing relationships again, the dating scene for a divorced dad is loaded with pitfalls.

Divorced dads have some real challenges when entering the world of dating: a more-than-likely sour experience from the divorce and perhaps some negative feelings about women in general; a lack of recent experience in this arena and accompanying nervousness; often a self-esteem problem stemming from the divorce,; and children, whether or not you are the custodial parent.

Finding Women to Date
So, if you have decided to jump back into dating, just how do you go about finding women to date? How do you inject yourself into this new world?

Dating Do's and Don'ts
Once you have met some women and want to start going out, you need a few ground rules. Here are some do's and don'ts to improve your chances for success.

When and What to Tell the Kids
One of the more difficult parts of the process of getting back into the dating scene is dealing with your children. Kids seeing their divorced parents beginning to date again often feel their own brand of rejection. Learn more about what to tell the kids and when about your dating experiences.