A few years ago, I came across a funny article, or perhaps it was an email, I can’t quite remember. But it was the subject matter that got my interest. It laid down rules from the perspective of a father to the prospective boyfriend of a daughter. I’ve tried to modernize the rules a bit and make them more appropriate.
I am very tempted to actually have this set of rules available when my daughters hit the dating age. Unless, of course, I lock them all away in a tower. That evil witch who put Rapunzel high away from the world and prevented her from coming down was actually pretty smart. But until I build a 5-story high stone tower, I need to have a set of rules that all young men wanting to date my daughter must follow.
Please find 5 of the 10 Daddy Rules For Dating. So daters take note! The rules have changed!
NO HONKING
You WILL get out of your car, walk to the front door, ring the doorbell and wait patiently for my princess to be ready. If you honk, you won't be picking anything up.
NO TOUCHING
You WILL admire my daughter from afar, and only from the neck up. You may not touch her in front of me. If you forget this simple rule, I will remove the body part that touches her, and if your eyes linger below the neckline, I will remove them as well.
NO 'PANTS ON THE GROUND'
General Larry Platt put this so articulately on American Idol. "Pants on the Ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground". You are totally welcome to come to our house with your baggy pants hanging down and underwear showing, but understand that I will go and get my nail gun and re-fasten them to your waist.
WAIT PATIENTLY
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not act impatient. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car or mow my lawn?
APPROPRIATE DATE LOCATIONS
The following places are NOT appropriate for dates with my daughter: places with beds or sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool, anywhere dark, anyplace with dancing, holding hands or general happiness, movies with strong sexual themes or romance but any movie about a chain saw massacre is just fine.
NO LYING
I may look like a complete bumbling, middle-aged, ignorant idiot, but on any issues related to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of the universe. With anything related to my daughter, I am the omnipotent, ruler of everything that I see and that includes the shotgun, shovel and five acres of land behind my house should you EVER lie to me about anything.
BE AFRAID
I frequently get flashbacks. And they are violent ones. So, when you pull up in your car, exit it with your hands in the air without any quick moves. Be sure to speak the perimeter password clearly and loudly and also announce that you have brought my daughter back safely and EARLY. There is absolutely no need for you to come inside. And, the camouflaged face in the window is mine!