By: Linda Castor Going through adivorce can be an extremely stressful event by itself. Having an unruly, vindictive and completely unreasonable soon-to-be ex-spouse with whom you now have to co-parent can make it a near maddening experience.
In one case, a wife took advantage of the waiting period between filing for divorce and the actual court proceedings. She refused to agree to a written schedule regarding the father's visitation of their young daughter and later announced that special holidays, family birthdays or other events would prevent her from delivering the child to the father on his weekend.
She would create random rules. For example, if he did not text her back upon demand, it meant he did not wish to see their daughter. The father doesn't even have the wife's new address, despite repeated attempts from his attorney to find it. He walks into my office in exasperation and asks why bullies always seem to get their way.
You cannot teach them anything. They are all about themselves and do not care about others. They won't seek professional help because, after all, they think you are the one who needs counseling. Sadly, children can suffer terribly from their parents' misguided actions.
Yet, these delusional parents will vehemently claim that they are the best caregivers on the planet and they would die for their children. The bewildered other parent hears all this and wonders, "Which planet are you talking about?"
How do you deal with the personality-disordered parent who just doesn't get it? Not only does this person create strife for her soon-to-be ex-husband and her children, but as he rebuilds his life with someone new, this stress can work on his significant other's psyche, as well.
Here are a couple of suggestions to help you all keep your sanity while going through a divorce:
Remember that the best revenge is a happy life. These people are miserable and will take you down with them, if you let them. And, yes, you will have your dark moments of wanting something bad to happen to your loony ex-spouse. But unless you wish to rot in jail and let this impaired parent raise your kid 24/7, that's certainly not a good option.
Take the other route instead: Decide that this person is not going to rain on your parade, and refuse to "take the bait" when he or she attempts to instigate a war in an attempt to make you look bad. Shift your focus toward loving your children in the best way you know how, and by all means, keep the lines of communication open with them.
Decide that controversy will make you stronger. This is true especially if you have a new partner in your life. Make your new motto, "Bring it on." This does not mean you want conflict. The idea here is to actively take back control of your life -- no matter what a crazy ex-spouse flings at you.
Of course, you will knee-jerk and become incensed and want to fight back. But you will never win by engaging in battle with an unreasonable person. Instead, you can choose NOT to overreact with this person.
Write down all your intense emotional reactions, wait until you calm down and then respond. Seek support from your significant other. You can effectively minimize the situation with this "united we stand" approach. The more theex-spouse threatens and harasses you, the closer you and your partner can become, and, together, you will have an opportunity to bond in the face of adversity.