Talking to Kids
By: New Life After Divorce
You need to be tuned into your kid's life to guide them through the problems they will face and recognize when they are in over their head. Good communication needs to be built up and maintained. It cannot suddenly be created when a crisis comes along.
Good listening
Good listening skills are essential but in short supply these days.
- Pay attention. No distractions
- Invite them to talk e.g. "tell me about ..."
- Be patient as kids verbal skills are not perfect
- Listen and look for emotions being expressed
- Acknowledge what they are saying
- Keep questions to a minimum
Be available when they need you
This may seem obvious but we often get caught up in the day to day hassle of life. If you really cannot make time for them there and then, make an appointment to be with them. Assure them that there will be no distractions and you will be better able to listen.
Make time to be with your child regularly
By making time regularly for your kids, you make them feel special and that you are interested in what's going on in their life. They will feel much more comfortable talking to you if they are facing a problem.
Secrets
If they want you to keep a secret, do not promise to keep it. The information may be too important and you may need to share it with others to deal with whatever they tell you.
Instead tell them that you will keep it to yourself so long as it does not involve something that might be serious and affect their health or welfare.
Use positive language
Do not use the "I told you so" if a child admits to a mistake. Be positive. Use phrases like "I am glad you know how to better deal with that next time". A negative response can shut down your child's communication just when they need you.
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Ways to get your kid to open up to you
Go for a walk in your local park
Keep the conversation light. Allow pauses that your child might fill in and start sharing with you. Movement can help comfort a child and help them open up. Try hiking or camping for a more energetic experience which can build stronger bonds.
Using car time
Time is precious and time in the car is often not utilized. Use it to let your kid talk about what's going on in their life. The best trick is to turn off the radio and stay quiet. Most kids will start to talk. Some may think they are in trouble if it's new to them so reassure them that they are not. You can try a general "how was your day?" but often you just get a "fine". Take your time. Once they get used to it, they will chat away when they get in the car. Make sure you warn them that you are almost there so they are not disappointed when the story has to stop
Using other approaches
Silence not working?
- Tell them about your day
- Tell them about a problem you had with a friend or colleague (nothing embarrassing in case your child repeats it elsewhere). Often this can inspire your child to tell you about a problem they had
- Ask your child what they think should be done or how they might solve a problem
- Ask about other kids e.g. who is the tallest or who is the best in the class?
- Tell them a funny story from your childhood or your school days
- Tell them a funny story about their antics when they were younger